I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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