I never want to see another naked old woman again.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
