I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
