I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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