I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
