I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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