Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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