i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
