I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
