For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
