True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Randomize