You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
A+ Viking dick
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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