1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
