Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
