I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
The uberlube is also flammable
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I want a musical about memes.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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