Just fell off a train. Bad.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
