mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
