I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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