Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
