I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
