Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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