Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
