see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
