I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Randomize
