You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
