I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
