we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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