She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
