I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Randomize
