Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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