I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
