Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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