Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
