im having a threesome with these popsicles
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
