Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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