Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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