There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
