i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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