Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
