Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
