I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
