my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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