I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
