she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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