You smell like a Billy Joel song
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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