Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
