This is not my ceiling
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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