I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
