I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
