I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize