White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
