Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
