I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
