Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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