you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
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