Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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