Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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