do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
