proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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