He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
