so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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