I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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